Sophomore Year

As I was writing the last post I remembered that I’d written a reflective post on freshman year after spring finals. I’ll continue the tradition.

I liked sophomore year more, that’s my holistic view. A large part of that was me becoming a lot more comfortable. Comfortable with the campus, the people, who I am, everything. I really neglected a few things - mainly Delta Chi. My own fault, and I’m hoping to make more of it next year when living in the house. Still not sure if fraternity life is the right thing for me, but I’ve never given it a fair chance. Distant isn’t the right word, but I don’t talk to high school friends as much anymore. It feels weird, but less weird than it used to. Distant isn’t the right word because some of my friends came to visit a few weeks ago, and it wasn’t that different. After I get home (eventually…) I’m pretty sure we’ll hang out like we did in the past. Frequency, more than quality, is what will change. That’s life right?

In terms of extracurricular stuff, I’m cutting back. Or at least prioritizing. I don’t want to do things I don’t care about, and I don’t need to - so I’m not just going to sign up for any random thing that sounds nice. Beginning of the year was dominated by PARC, and the end was dominated by Field Day - so still involved in res life. And SCNO is the other big thing I really care about on campus, so I’m just focusing on those two things. I did Windows 7 repping for a quarter and a third, but I quit after that. Honestly, I think I’m more of a mac person than Windows. At the very least, I’m not enough of a Windows person to pitch it to random people. But with the iPad and iPhone 4, I’d definitely spend money on Apple over Microsoft.

Classes. I still don’t love econ, and I found out there’s no ‘deadline’ to declare it - so I’m not going to. I don’t know why, it’s more of a principle because I’ll still take econ classes. But I would rather tell someone that I’m undeclared than say I’m an econ major. It’s interesting, but definitely not my passion (still searching for that). I also realized that you can do well in a class even without fully understanding the material. I’ll take it, but I don’t like it. That’s just saying I can prepare for a class, not master material - I’d rather do the latter.

I’ll apologize now for the scattered pseudo-coherency of this post - didn’t really logically structure this but whatever, it’s a blog.

I don’t need billions. Don’t even know if I need millions honestly. But that was my materialistic ambition not so long ago - build an incredible house, drive an Aston Martin, own fancy hotels, etc. To be clear I don’t not want that stuff (The Vantage is still a sick car). But it’s not necessary, it’s not even close. happiness, both personally and professionally, is honestly what I care about. Happiness and materialistic fruits aren’t mutually exclusive, but if they were I’d choose happiness without hesitation. Materialism alone could never bring me happiness.

I used to think it was cool to be a stone wall, to be so independent and void of emotion that there was never a need to have people. I liked to say things like “Well I don’t know who I’ll actually be in touch with in five years, but I could care less, I don’t need to be in touch with anyone.” That’s bullshit, I absolutely care. Not with the random kid I did a class project with, but I want to stay in touch with the meaningful friends I make, and it’s an outright lie for me to say otherwise. Honestly. it’s more than a lie - it’s a defense mechanism. By saying I don’t need others, there’s never a need to show the vulnerability that starts deeper friendships (and relationships).

I listen a lot more than I talk - and I used to think that was so logical, stoic, strong, etc. But consider the situation. In meeting someone, you might want to share something about yourself that will elicit an  unknown reaction. Let’s make it simpler - say you want to share something that will result in a significant judgement. On one hand, you could never follow through. You never throw yourself out there to be vulnerably judged, and there’s little chance people will think less of you. Or you could reveal a vulnerability, you could throw yourself out there. Then there are possibilities: rejection and acceptance. Getting rejected sucks. I hate saying something that is bugging me, or tough for me to say, only to get a sarcastic or joking reply. And if you get rejected a few times, the option of never showing vulnerability is really tempting. But say you get accepted. Say the person understands, sympathizes, or simply genuinely respects what you throw out there. Then that means something, that’s the stuff that binds the true friendships. By showing and respecting the act of being vulnerable, and reciprocating, friends establish trust, and to me that’s the basis of any ‘real’ friendship. That’s why showing vulnerability is important. Sure it leads to rejections, but it also leads to the creation of real friends. Never being vulnerable is tantamount to never truly trusting that person (as sweeping a statement as that might be). So in terms of me, I want to work on that. Rather than be a hard shell, I think it’s worth showing vulnerability, and it’s a strength rather than a weakness.

I still hate coffee - I had a cup today and it just reminded me how much more I love smoothies. But that being said, a lot of the sweeping judgement or generalizations I’ve had are retarded. I still don’t drink, but I have no idea why. Honestly, right now, it’s probably just because I don’t like how beer tastes. The smartest people I know drink, my best friends drink, people I respect and admire drink - how is it even logically fathomable that I make sweeping judgments on such a limited act when I personally know so many counterexamples. And with judgments in general, I’m trying to always realize how little I know and how unique situations are.

Alright so now time for the most pressing issue in my mind: I still have no idea what the hell I’m doing in life. Still just planning a quarter in advance, and sometimes not even that. I’m liking a lot of the stuff I do and learn, but I don’t know if I’m “loving” it. I don’t need to love what I’m doing to make money, but I would rather love what I do than make money. Consulting is looking like the thing right now, but I’m worried that’s just because consulting is the most recent of cookie-cutter paths exposed to me. I’m working at my first startup in a couple days, and I’m really excited for that; hopefully it’ll give me a better idea of what I want. But the general fact that college is half over and my future is as cloudy as ever can be terrifying. I’m definitely not the only one in that boat though, which is comforting in a weird way.

Time for summer 2010. Not the ideal start with today (3 more hours at the airport), but I’m really excited to sleep on my bed tonight.

Random sidenote - I don’t know how I could have gotten by the last 5 hours if I hadn’t bought the airport’s WiFi. Ridiculous that it’s not free, but completely worth it.

2 posts in a day, I think I’ve done my quota for a month. Actually I’m going  put time aside every Sunday for this sorta thing, but no promises as always.